SIGH.

I'm a little high strung at the moment.. I wonder where that term came from, high strung. 'On-edge'.. 'Tense'.. Like being strung up by an ankle on high from a crane on top of a skyscraper over a sea of used hypodermic needles and poisonous spiders... Yeah I guess that works..

Well I guess in this case I'm dangling above a sea of uncertain feelings and emotions, doubts and fears.. and instead of being feebly supported by a crane, I'm clinging onto the hopes and thoughts that it'll work out for the best, though they're currently unsupported and left without encouragement due to a LACK OF FUCKING COMMUNICATION. Seriously. I don't think I've been too horribly forward or pushy about things.. Granted I've had to get better about it, but over the course of 36 hours, a few texts and a call aren't completely overwhelming and life-sucking.. Especially when the most recent ones are focused on a genuine concern of "Are you physically/emotionally alright? I'm worried."

Blah blah blah I mad. So when I step into the other person's shoes, I realize that hey. If I don't want to talk, I don't want to talk. But when there's genuine concern coming from the other side, even the simplest response helps the entire situation. Yeah if you don't want to talk, you don't want to talk. But how about saying so? "Ohhh if I ignore this situation it'll all be fine. If I ignore it then everyone else will ignore it." Bullshit. Fffff.

I need to come here more and relieve my anxieties a little more often.. It'll keep me from texting, I believes. And fuck it. If he wants to text me, he'll fucking text me. If all of this was just to get me in bed or in the back of his car for a night then fine. Fuck my life. But if this is honestly going anywhere or has any hopes of getting back to what it was, or where it was headed, then it'll do so. I won't sit here and claw at his legs hoping for him to pay attention to me or acknowledge any kind of feelings from me. I'm not going to gamble all my feelings on a changed person, and potentially get hurt from how loose and fickle he's gotten. I'm going to focus on my own damn life and not panic every time I find myself more than five feet away from my text-less, call-less phone, and I'm going to let myself just accept the relationship or the lack thereof.

Fuck this contemporary "girls going after guys" bullshit. I was so much happier just going with the flow instead of messing things up by trying to plan for the best and grow up that much faster..

That being said, I'm not going to live in regret in breaking up with him, and I sure as hell am not going to live in fear of his unreturned feelings.