SIGH.

I'm a little high strung at the moment.. I wonder where that term came from, high strung. 'On-edge'.. 'Tense'.. Like being strung up by an ankle on high from a crane on top of a skyscraper over a sea of used hypodermic needles and poisonous spiders... Yeah I guess that works..

Well I guess in this case I'm dangling above a sea of uncertain feelings and emotions, doubts and fears.. and instead of being feebly supported by a crane, I'm clinging onto the hopes and thoughts that it'll work out for the best, though they're currently unsupported and left without encouragement due to a LACK OF FUCKING COMMUNICATION. Seriously. I don't think I've been too horribly forward or pushy about things.. Granted I've had to get better about it, but over the course of 36 hours, a few texts and a call aren't completely overwhelming and life-sucking.. Especially when the most recent ones are focused on a genuine concern of "Are you physically/emotionally alright? I'm worried."

Blah blah blah I mad. So when I step into the other person's shoes, I realize that hey. If I don't want to talk, I don't want to talk. But when there's genuine concern coming from the other side, even the simplest response helps the entire situation. Yeah if you don't want to talk, you don't want to talk. But how about saying so? "Ohhh if I ignore this situation it'll all be fine. If I ignore it then everyone else will ignore it." Bullshit. Fffff.

I need to come here more and relieve my anxieties a little more often.. It'll keep me from texting, I believes. And fuck it. If he wants to text me, he'll fucking text me. If all of this was just to get me in bed or in the back of his car for a night then fine. Fuck my life. But if this is honestly going anywhere or has any hopes of getting back to what it was, or where it was headed, then it'll do so. I won't sit here and claw at his legs hoping for him to pay attention to me or acknowledge any kind of feelings from me. I'm not going to gamble all my feelings on a changed person, and potentially get hurt from how loose and fickle he's gotten. I'm going to focus on my own damn life and not panic every time I find myself more than five feet away from my text-less, call-less phone, and I'm going to let myself just accept the relationship or the lack thereof.

Fuck this contemporary "girls going after guys" bullshit. I was so much happier just going with the flow instead of messing things up by trying to plan for the best and grow up that much faster..

That being said, I'm not going to live in regret in breaking up with him, and I sure as hell am not going to live in fear of his unreturned feelings.

Yeah.

No one's gonna read this, but it's just another way to vent I guess.. And typing for me is way faster than writing, sooo what better way to vent when you have a shit ton on your mind?

First let me say Merry Christmas to you, Internets, as you're my audience tonight. It's my 20th Christmas and I feel like it should only be my 16th... Meaning to say I feel like I'm in high school all over again. To sum up the past year I've broken two hearts in hopes of mending my own, when truthfully it never needed any mending. Blah blah blah, cliche heartbreak terms and excuses to my actions over the past year or so. I was prepared to marry my high school sweetheart by the time I was a sophomore in college. Adam was in every way amazing, and the relationship felt flawless. Intimidating, huh? Yeah, play up that angle. It'll work for you. It's a pretty good excuse.

A year later and I'm with a boy that I went hundreds and hundreds of miles out of my way to be with. Literally. Ryan was there for me every minute of every day since I met him when I was 14. Knowing him solely from a random encounter by you, Internets, he was the best person to confide everything in. High school drama, my relationship with Adam, my fears, problems, stress factors.. You name it. The point of no return? The start of our long-distance relationship and a segregated, dissonant lifestyle. I don't think I've poured out and received so much emotion over the span of 8 months in my entire, albeit relatively short, 20 years of life. It's a unique relationship where I felt honored to be Ryan's first truly emotionally moving endeavor. It was exciting, new, romantic and easy to brag about. "Stop complaining about being 2 hours away from your boyfriend, Beth, I'm magnificent and am in a heartbreaking and bittersweet relationship with a boy I've known and secretly loved for years and left my virtually immaculate high school relationship to risk it all and journey off to the distant, exotic lands of Iowa to make everything happen."

I'm not sure how to look at myself after all of that. Where it boils down to is that I need to spend my time being out of a relationship and focusing on school and "getting my own shit together". While this is true currently to Ryan, it was also true a year ago to Adam. But it's so easy for me to say all of it and forget that somewhere 600 miles away, is a massive heartbreak and immense disappointment. A year ago it was no different.. But for the same "legitimate reasons". Some progress, self. Some progress..

*SIGH* So how far have you come, self? Fresh heartbreak 600 miles away, and a mended heart in front of me. Healing, moving on, happy with another girl. "Self, there are more fish in the sea than these two. Plus! You said you needed to get your shit together." But I'm impatient. Adam has been hung up on me since 7th grade. Even with another girl he manages to find the time to pine over me and did I ever appreciate it? Well yeah, when it made me the center of attention and I came out the victor in the end. Hah. Winrar.

Arrogant self. He's happy with someone else so what do I do? Iiiii actually hold to my words and really get my shit together? I really find the time to stop obsessing and not constantly lurk facebook to see if he's shifting his attention to me rather than his current girlfriend? Pahaaa... What.

I'm the ex girlfriend. I'm the no-zone. I'm the original offender, the start of everyone's problems and the cause of all the drama. Taking one of my best friends into a territory that involved intense emotions and feelings and leaving him there becuase I'm impatient, speculative, regretful, indecisive and immature. Leaving a relationship because it wasn't risky, improbable, or an exact play-by-play of Sleepless in Seattle. I'm the reason why my former future in-laws hate me, why my former best friend and mysterious fantasy boy is now hurting over the past 8 months and all that was tediously and fervently spent during it. Leading him on and raising his hopes and enthusiasm.

So yeah. The status updates on facebook will continue to be obsessively updated every 8 hours for attention's sake, and I'll be checking my phone every 5 minutes to see who texts me.. I'll be upset and guilty when Ryan texts me, and my heart will race when Adam texts me, then it will sink when he hasn't asked to hang out again.. I'll try to find excuses to text certain people and avoid others, and all in all I'll end up manipulating my life and relationships into a distorted, self-serving circle of instant pleasure, instead of longterm benefit...